I am not ugly!

Warning: This intro is pretty long so feel free to skip it. It's just some self reflection mumbo jumbo crap that isn't interesting at all. XD But then again, if you don't, the title and some of the things I write won't make sense... Anyways, thanks to those who do! And thanks to those who come just to look at pictures! You all mean a lot to me! <3

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I have made a decision. I have decided to try and stop being such a downer on myself. I've been growing up with almost no self esteem or confidence and it's effecting me negatively with my relationships, school/career, just life in general. I'm finally understanding the whole "if you don't love yourself, how can you love somebody else?" thing. I'm so used to always putting myself down that it's become a habit. I don't even have to think when I put a "Lulz I'm so ugly" caption. It's like, automatic. Lulz not good. It's good to be humble, but not self destructive.

A couple people have asked me "If you think you're so ugly, why do you take so many pictures of yourself? Are you just fishing for compliments?" Lulz no. Actually, taking my own pictures is actually what helped me grow more comfortable with myself. I kept taking them and then I kept seeing my own face and it forced me to just accept that this is how I look. I'm not pretty but whatever. I can fix it with surgery. LULZ. And I guess playing with photoshop and seeing this better looking version had a psychological affect of making me think more positively about how I look. Lulz I dunno.

But yeah, I need some confidence and self esteem. I can't keep thinking people are lying to me to be nice. I can't keep stopping myself from doing things like auditioning because I think I suck. Fake it till I make it I guess lulz. I can't keep sitting out of things cause I'm afraid of looking bad.

So I am going to try to stop bashing myself! Ahhh this is going to be hard cause I've been doing it my whole life. But I will try! I want to be happy with myself! I can't keep hating myself for forever D:

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Well enough of my rambling. Onto the post! I do apologize though cause there's a lot of selcas in this post as well. But most are decent ones! (Progress? :D)

Sunday the 16th

I got an email asking if I could play the supporting character in a short film by another student. Seeing as I wouldn't be doing anything else acting-wise this year again, I said yes! :D

I had a lot of time till the scheduled shoot, so I played with Takutzjin.

Outside my bedroom window

Lulz this shot was a mistake. I pressed the shutter on accident but it came out decent so I kept it! XD

Played around with colors on photoshop

I've taken a liking to the webcam cause it doesn't show my smile lines! :DDD I think they're getting deeper and more prominent as I get older T__T

Left to right: Staring into your soul, trying to act pretty, peace, hmm, *gasp*, fake smile, real smile, trying to act cute/scared for the shoot

I forgot to grab Takutzjin with me so I couldn't take any pictures. Sad cause the people I met were so nice and funny! We were all second years but they seemed way older than me cause they were so knowledgeable and passionate! I just listened to them talk about their craft. I love listening to people talking about things they're passionate about! It's so interesting!

The shoot was so fun! And guess what, they used a Bolex to shoot! For those of you who don't know what that is, it's:

Old school original. Hell yeah! It was so cool to be shot by this cause I got to hear the "ch ch ch ch ch" sound! XD But the last scene had to be shot twice because the film got messed up D: I know I did a shit job. (Failing already.) This was my second time doing film and first time doing a serious role. Eek. Hopefully I get better! (Progress :D)

Tuesday the 18th

Just regular school.

What I wore that day:

I had my hair braided to the side that day but I eventually took it out. I never really do things to my hair cause:

Wednesday the 19th

I skipped my one class cause I didn't want to carry a back pack to the fashion show my friend was in.

What I wore that day:

Bad picture, bad lighting. It was gloomy and I don't really have a light. By the way, that area used to have my piano! We sold it a bit ago!

I had to go to school to meet up with my Lit. partner so we could finish up a presentation thing. I was supposed to meet up with my scene partner to practice our scene 2 hours later but he couldn't make it so I had nothing to do until 7:30. I wrote up a paper for my speech class cause I missed my presentation day and I'd rather write the paper than speak and then I checked out three plays and read. Then I went to eat:

Haven't had Chipotle in forever!

I still had time so:

Starbucks across the street and more reading.

Dreary, cold weather. I walked through it but I ended up going the wrong way! I walked to the Sears Tower instead of Millennium Park! FAIL. Thank goodness I brought an umbrella for the first time ever on that day! But going the wrong way and wasting time ended up being good. I was still an hour early to the show and I had to wait the whole time in a line where it was super hot and my feet were killing me. I wore heels. They don't hurt if I walk but they do if I stand for a long time. I just read in the line lulz.

The rain seeped into the tent

My childhood friend was a finalist of the "Mario Make Me a Model" contest. That was pretty much what the show was for. I think.

The featured band.

Two brothers named Brandon and Lucas Marx. They were kinda meh for me. No energy.

The show begins! Sorry, I only took a couple of each cause I was more into watching cause it passed so fast! And they aren't very good pictures. I was in the last row which turned out to be good cause I could stand to take pictures. I just wish I had an awesome telephoto lens!

There were five featured designers.

Imaginary People

Michelle Tan

I liked her designs the best.

That was my friend. I was looking down at my camera and when I looked up, I realized it was her but she was already turning! So I missed her shot! D:

Narcisse

Reddoll

I liked these as well!

The finalists' last walk

Mercedes. I really liked her! If my friend didn't win, I wanted her to win!

Here she comes! This time I made sure I got her!

It was crazy to see her on the runway! From this:

To this!:

Woot!

I didn't get the guy cause he was too bright and his pictures were too blurry.

There's the man himself to announce the winner! Mario Tricoci!

*Drum roll*

For the first time, two people won! YAY~~

Highlight of my day! And then I just went home.

Look at what the weather did to my hair lulz

Do I look tired? I was exhausted

The goodie bag

Lulz not much. A vitiman water, a comb, and some discount cards.

Today

Picture explains all. It was a shit day again. I don't know how but I overslept and there was no bus coming for some reason I don't know so I had to take a cab to the station. I hate paying for cabs but I really didn't want to be late today cause I was presenting! So I got on the train and I would have been on time BUT! I zoned out so hard that I missed my stop and ended up in China Town! And then I was late! Grrrrr after I paid for a cab. OTL I was so mad at myself I started to cry lulz. I did a crap job on my presentation. My partner couldn't make it to our practice again. Sadness. But we got to practice after class so yay. I'm so glad the week is over. It wasn't a very good one again. Phew.

Well I have to shower nows.

gpoy

i dont know how or why but i ended up with a LOT of pictures of myself this week;;;

i apologize in advance

FRIDAY the 7th

i had to spend the whole day at work cause my dad wanted me to help him recruit some people from some massage school. they close at 2 in the afternoon so i had to leave home like 5 hours early and wait 7 hours for my shift >.> thank goodness i had my laptop

would you still like me if i smiled like this?

pedo smile C:

heh. doing that actually made my smile better lulz

lulz bored cause i ran out of things to do during my shift

SATURDAY the 8th

work. but always food with dad before my shift. we went to an american place for the first time in a long time. theres a place on the way and a lot of people like it so i guess he heard about it from his friend and so he requested we go there that day for his first time. the place is called L Woods Tap and Pine Grill

their bread always smells so good

the soup we both really didnt like. he wanted broth but there were no soups with a lot of broth

their calamari is still good as it was like 10 years ago

their ribs changed! they were so huge! but burnt :(

blurry picture of my dad and his caterpillar mustache

so i think this place has a thing against asians. their service was really crummy! worst ive ever experienced cause ive never gotten bad service. the waitress would pretty much just throw the plates on the table, she didnt check up on us even once, she wasnt friendly at all, my plates were taken away before i was done, when she gave and took away the check she didnt even look at me or say anything. when i got change, i only got big bills and not enough singles and i wasnt about to wait another ten minutes to get my bills broken so i just left the ten and left even though i only wanted to give her the seven that was the regular percent. the hosts werent nice either. there were four of them in the front and i had to leave from behind them. they were too busy gossiping to even give me a "thanks for coming" or "goodnight." its not a big deal but it just felt weird cause its the first time thats happened. i was telling my mum about how crappy their service was and she told me that it had never been good. the last time shes been there was years ago. so i looked it up on yelp and everyone seemed to have had fine service. but most of them werent asian. so yeah...

back to work

so i tried french twisting my hair again and this is the result. non heat curling methods dont do it for me :/

MONDAY the 10th

skipped school and just worked XD

waiting for le father

TUESDAY the 11th

a crap day. felt like crap. looked like crap. hair and makeup crap. oufit crap. crap.

hate my first class: intro to lit.

my scene partner was sick so i couldnt practice our scene either. sadness.

just wanted to go homeeeee.

TODAY

it rained all day. i never think its raining so i never take an umbrella so i got rained on all day. it was an ok day. more lit but at least my scene partner was in class. but i did bleh as always.

erm.. my piano was taken away today! it was kinda sad cause i had it around more than half my life.

wah this is a bad post again...sorry. but i know the next one will be much better for sure! ill actually be doing some stuff! :D ill make sure less of my face is in it too XO

an ugly post

happy october everyone!

unfortunately im greeting the new month with a some what bad post :/

but im sure you all are used to my posts being shitty hahaha!

SATURDAY the 1st

i had the AIDS walk. sandy eva and i woke up super early to meet at the station at 6 something. was so COLD and i was so SLEEPY! oh, i took my camera but i didnt take any pictures cause i was too cold lulz i regret it though cause the course was really pretty! the sun came out and the lake was glistening. boo. next time! so all these pictures are stolen from sandy >:)

lulz i was not in the mood. cold makes me crabby and antisocial

lulz i had to put this in cause she looks so cute with my glasses. she looks like a true nerd

at the walk

there were soooo many people!

lulz i was like this the whole morning until after i really started getting into the walk

we got to walk through the tunnels! it was cool!

i really like walking so 3K was nothing! i ditched sandy and eva to get to the front. (we started near the end)

lulz my stupid smile. team loyola! even though i go to columbia!

those red shirts were so warm! its made of that athletic material. i forget what its called.

TUESDAY the 4th

i had to bring my laptop with me so i could finish a paper before class lulz

im lucky i had it cause i had to wait for my scene partner after school to practice our scene. i had like 2 and a half hours to kill. i had absolutely no makeup on that day so i thought of something.

people have been telling me to stop calling myself ugly. thank you, i really appreciate that you care for my self esteem! <3 but really, you can see for yourself why i do now lulz. im really just a plain jane and when i dont have makeup & photoshop, im even worse!

ready?

........

........

........

BAM!

uneven eyes, bulbous nose, awful dark circles, no symmetry at all, etc, etc.

and this is with an angle and bad quality! imagine if i took this with my dslr! D: yeesh!

the magic of makeup, circle lens, and photoshop! where would i be without them hahahaha

now you cant say that i shouldnt! XD

sorry about that unpleasantry

anyways~

WEDNESDAY the 5th

tried basha! its pretty much the home style version of pita inn!

beef schwarma

my chicken schwarma

the schwarma here is better! the meat isnt as salty and the rice isnt bland!

my fatouch salad, falafel, and pita & hummus in the back <3

the salad tastes the exact same as pita inns but i like pita inns better cause its not just a side there ha ha ha

their garlic sauce is soooo strong! i never understood why people say garlic is hot until then! it gives you kicking breath lulz. i liked their yogurt sauce though!

and this concludes my post;;; what a terrible way to greet the new month D:

sorry!